The Easy Way to Get Over a Fear of Rejection

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Do you find that you’ll sometimes put off asking someone something? Do you try to edit your plan so they don’t need anyone else’s buy-in?

These can indicate a very subtle fear of rejection.

Fear of rejection is often overt and easy to identify. But sometimes fear is sneaky (especially if your mind thinks a particular fear is important to keep) and doesn’t always show up as a clear, in-your-face feeling.

If you are afraid of rejection, (or notice you put off or try to work around asking people things) don’t worry, this isn’t actually as silly as you think.

I’ll explain in an ever-so-slightly roundabout manner:

Thousands of years ago, when we were all tribal nomads, we very strongly depended on the people immediately surrounding us for survival. Everything was a group effort—it was hard to do all the hunting, gathering, child-rearing, clothes-making, etc individually.

So if the group you were part of—you could say your tribe—cast you out, your odds of surviving went down a LOT.

Okay, I’ll get to how this is relevant today. Since social approval often was a matter of life and death in the past, people who took it seriously were more likely to live. This assessment of how important it was got passed on to their descendants.

So most of us today are likely to take social approval quite seriously. Sometimes to the point of feeling like it’s life or death, even though we know in our heads that it’s not.

While there are many, rejection can be a form of social disapproval. If this fear stops you, don’t beat yourself up over it—your body is designed to alert you to serious threats (and this did used to be a serious threat).

Tapping can quiet this alert system down very quickly. With enough of it, tapping can even get your brain to re-wire so it’s no longer signalling the alarm over something that isn’t actually a threat now.

Don’t worry though, your fight-or-flight response will still work when there is a real physical danger. EFT does not break your brain.

Why bother dealing with how you feel though? Why not just buck up and get on with it?

Your feelings impact your behaviour WAY more than most people realize. People can also usually pick up on how you’re feeling, and it will influence their response to you.

Ready to zap any fear of rejection you might have? Watch the video below where I’ll help you do just that:

 

My Facebook group, Dynamic and Free Society, is a community of people looking to reduce stress and anxiety without having to short-change themselves on their dreams and goals. There's way more tapping where this came from. Click here to join, for free.

 

So, How do I know EFT is Actually Doing Anything?...

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If you’re reading this blog, you’ve probably already tried tapping, or are interested in trying it.

But part of you might understandably be skeptical that tapping on your face could really do anything to help you.

Even if you have no skepticism, you might have the Apex problem: when your state of being or the way you feel shifted a lot in a short period of time, and you forget how you felt before.

In some ways this is awesome, but if you only have the “after” part of the before and after picture, it can cause you to doubt that any change ever occurred.

The only reason this could be a problem is that if you’re unclear on whether or not EFT is really doing anything, it can cause you to not use this great tool when it would help a lot.

And let’s be honest, that’s actually a pretty big problem. You could be robbing yourself of loads of transformation and good feeling you’d otherwise have.

So without needing to take my word for it, here are a few ways to know tapping is working:

 

 

1. You took a baseline measure of the problem and it’s now different.

In formalized EFT, you rate how much something bothers you, how strong a feeling is or how true a statement feels before you start tapping. After a couple rounds, you rate it again.

I often do this with my clients (though not always) because it also lets you catch when tapping on something isn’t working so you can start troubleshooting early on.

It’s great if you can rate this on a scale of 0-10, but if not you could use something like: “this is really strong” “kind of strong” “sort of there” “I basically don’t feel it”.

With feelings and pain, you can pay attention to specifically where the feeling is in your body, tap on it, then see if it’s somewhere else.

If it has moved, this is a sign that the EFT is working. With enough moving and shifting, the pain or feeling will fade, (though keep in mind physical pain will not always go to 0).

One concern I sometimes hear is “How do I know that I actually feel better and I don’t just think I feel better?”

How you feel is always subjective. You are the only person who feels your feelings, so you’re the only one who actually knows if they’re better or worse.

So don’t worry about whether or not you can prove to Rob or Dave that your emotions have shifted. Their opinions don’t actually matter here.

If you think you feel better, that means you feel better.

 

2.You tested your results

This is a fantastic way to see if tapping is getting you the results you want.

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If a certain situation triggers certain feelings in you, tap, then put yourself in that situation to see if it still stirs those feelings up. And if it does, just tap some more.

An example: say you have a fear of heights. You imagine being on top of a high place, notice how it feels in your body, and tap away that sensation as much as you can.

Then when you think you’ve tapped it all away, go to the top of a skyscraper, or out on a 10th floor balcony. See how you feel.

And please don’t force yourself to do something that’s still frightening. If it still freaks you out, just tap some more.

Another example: you’ve put yourself on a low-carb diet, and often really crave bread. Tap on the bread craving until it seems to be 0. Then go look at a loaf of bread you could eat and see how much you want it, (and if you still kind of want it, just tap some more until it’s 0).

 

3. You yawn, hiccup, laugh, need to use the washroom more, cry, want to take a nap, etc.

These are all signs that energy is shifting in you and things are being released.

When you’re tapping you might find that you’re yawning A LOT, or you suddenly start finding things really funny.

This is pretty common, totally normal, and a sign that you’re shifting something that is bothering you.

 

4. Your natural behaviour has shifted.

This is the ultimate reason to use EFT. If you’ve cleared out a lot of your emotional background noise, you will naturally start to behave differently. This is because our behaviour is usually much more emotionally driven than we realize.

This result you usually get from either doing a lot of tapping yourself, (like 20+ minutes every day for several weeks) or working with a practitioner. You probably won’t get this result if you just tap on your own for 15 minutes once or twice.

An example:

I had a client who would get extremely triggered when certain topics were brought up, and her fiancé had learned to avoid talking about those things with her. We did a few tapping sessions on these triggering topics.

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One day her fiancé accidentally brought up one of these topics, then braced himself for the blow-out that was going to come. She was not triggered at all and just continued the conversation. He later texted one of her friends to exclaim about how different his fiancé was.

So these are the main ways to know if tapping is doing something. The effects of tapping can often be subtle, so you do need to pay attention to signs that your energy is shifting and signs that you’re moving through life differently.

If you don’t pay attention you risk losing out on major relief and major changed that could come easily to you. (If you think tapping doesn’t do anything, you wouldn’t bother doing it).

During the times where tapping actually isn’t working, (you’re rating your distress and it’s not going down, you’re generally behaving the same way as before in certain situations) it’s a sign that there is another deeper thing for you to tap on. There are ways to figure out what the real issue is, (and then tap on that) but you won’t notice if you’re not paying attention

3 Reasons Anger can Actually be... Good.

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Have you ever felt like you needed to make sure you don’t get angry?

Do you feel like anger just makes people do bad things, so needs to be avoided?

Do you feel like there’s no point in being angry, so you make sure you don’t waste your time feeling it?

Maybe you’re pretty sure anger does nothing more than make people shout or get violent, and those are usually destructive and definitely not professional, so you know you better than to do it?

Maybe you’ve just had your own anger dismissed or shamed repeatedly, so you at least make sure to keep it to yourself.

There’s a lot of judgment around anger and … I think people really just have it wrong.

There are a few things anger does that we usually refuse to acknowledge because our culture (and by that I mean the English-speaking West) tends to be afraid of anger and try to make sure it’s avoided at all costs.

And after deliberately avoiding and suppressing your anger long enough, the result is usually you becoming passive-aggressive. (I know that was definitely the result with me)

You might notice this if you ever try to directly resolve something with someone who is being passive-aggressive.

You come to them, outline the weird things they’ve been doing, and ask “What’s up? Why are you doing this?” and they say “Nothing’s up. There’s no problem.” and then walk away.

This person is not trying to mess with your head. They’ve just suppressed their anger so well they genuinely can’t feel it, and don’t know it’s there.

Self-improvement types generally get that it’s best to not be passive-aggressive, so in the interests of preventing this from happening to you, let’s actually get into the positive things anger does.

1. Anger is information that one of your boundaries has been crossed, or something you strongly value is now at risk.

So, yes, it’s information, and information that comes with a punch to motivate you into some kind of action.

If someone betrays your trust, you’re hopefully at least a little angry (unless you never had much trust in that person to begin with).

If you look around in the world and see things you think are horrible and should never happen, you hopefully feel at least a little angry.

Not very long ago, a very large country elected a president that shocked and concerned people in many many parts of the world.

A lot of people, (especially in the United States) were pretty angry.

Someone who behaves the way Trump does in a position of huge power like that violates a lot of peoples’ boundaries. And it violated a lot of trust in that country’s election system.

Trump’s election put a lot of things a lot of people strongly value at risk. (It certainly did for me, and I don’t even live in the US). People were angry, and it’s not bad that they were.

2.   Anger helps you process emotional pain.

Years ago, I heard from one Tapping practitioner whose name I don’t remember (and if you know his name please let me know) the analogy of anger as a warm fire. If you’re out on a frozen prairie, hurt and crying, would you rather cry out in the cold and dark? Or by a bright warm bonfire as you recover?

Anger is the fire. When you’ve been hurt, betrayed, or strongly knocked down anger keeps you buoyed enough to not be completely crushed by what’s happened.

It keeps you in a place where you are still able to do something, and in a place where you can still feel your worth.

Since anger helps you process other hurts, tapping on it can give you tons of other information: you peel it back and see what else is there to tap on.

3. Anger can be a gateway to further empowerment.

This comes from the wonderful Abraham-Hicks. I’ve posted their emotional guidance scale in this previous post. If you take a look, you notice there’s a sort of order to your feelings, with the best-feeling ones at the top, and the worst-feeling ones at the bottom.

Moving up the scale feels good, and moving down the scale feels bad.

Your emotions probably have a slightly different different order, (for you doubt might feel better than disappointment, for example) but your own emotional scale will still be fairly similar to this.

In all fairness, anger is not far up the scale: there are a lot of other emotions that genuinely feel better, and improve your energy (conventional I-can-get-things-done energy, as well as new-agey attracting-better-things energy).

Anger is still higher than guilt, fear, despair, and powerlessness. You can deliberately move up the scale, a bit at a time.

No one’s going to jump from fear, guilt, or despair up to appreciation/empowerment, or even contentment all at once. They’ll need to take several steps in between.

And generally, you’ll need to spend a bit of time in or around anger (such as revenge or hatred) to even get up to blame or worry.

In my opinion, part of why so many people get stuck in despair, fear, guilt, etc. is because we so strongly keep anger off-limits. They need it to get to a better-feeling place.

 

So am I saying, “Deliberately get angry more often, it’s really great.”? No, that’s not what I mean.

What I’m saying is don’t make anger forbidden, don’t make it off-limits, and definitely don’t dismiss it as useless or a sham.

Just because you feel angry doesn’t mean you’ll automatically give someone a public verbal blasting, start punching people, or implode your entire career.

It does mean something is wrong. Don’t ignore that, and please do not try to shut down your radar that lets you detect that.

 

So when you’ve detected it, go there and see what’s behind it. These will either be deeper things to shift with tapping, (like if it's helping you process pain) or it will highlight something you value and want to defend, or show you that someone is crossing you .

This tapping video will help you get started:

 

My Facebook group, Dynamic and Free Society, is a community of people looking to reduce stress and anxiety without having to short-change themselves on their dreams and goals. There's way more tapping where this came from. Click here to join, for free.

 

The #1 Reason High-Strung Achievers Self-Sabotage, and What to do About it

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You’re into self-improvement. You know that to get where you want to go in life, you need to be willing to become the person you need to be and do what you need to, even in the face of weird, possibly uncalled-for, and sometimes very stinging criticism.

You might also notice there are certain things you’re delaying, putting off indefinitely, or just long enough that you can’t do that good a job on them.

You’ve undoubtedly come across the term self-sabotage, and all kinds of possible ways to fix it. But I know you’re busy and need something succinct and efficient.

Something I see people noticing over and over as they tap away layers of stress and knots of emotional overwhelm is that a lot of self-sabotage is driven by needing to fit in, wanting to be similar to people they know, or even… avoiding stinging criticism.

The other thing I notice is that, probably in some spirit of self-improvement, people will then strongly chastise themselves for doing this.

So please, in the name of getting your success with ease and sleep at night and actually enjoying it once you have it, can we stop and talk about this for a second?

I might get a little bit um…. Academic for a second (but really, you’re all nerdy achievers too so I’m thinking you probably don’t mind that much) and show you a … vintage infographic:

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Yes, that would be Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs from the 40’s!

A lot of people are skeptical of this, and I find that tends to come from misunderstanding the model to some extent.

This is not a hierarchy of how evolved people are as individuals, where the people who are concerned with paying for housing, (physiological needs) or navigating their unsafe neighbourhoods (safety needs) are less advanced as people than those who are stroking their egos with prestigious jobs they don’t actually like (esteem needs) or self-actualizing themselves by pontificating about the arts (self-actualization needs).

This is an illustration of how fundamental to your life each need is.

So, if you are starving, or even just hangry, in that moment, whether or not you’re living fully aligned with your core values, (self-actualization) or whether you’re coming across as sophisticated (esteem/belonging) is not as important as getting food. That is, until you’ve eaten, then these things start being important again.

A more dramatic example: if someone has you cornered and has a knife held to your throat, in that moment, whether or not you are compassionately exercising non-judgement towards this potential assailant (esteem/self-actualization needs) is not as important as getting away from the person who might kill you (safety needs).  Again, until there is no longer an immediate threat to your life, then you do not care about if you’re being a good person.

In other words, if you’re building your career and on a mission to keep advancing and doing your best work (this could be esteem or self-actualization) and part of you for whatever reason has the impression no one actually likes you, (love/belonging) you might find yourself sabotaging some amount of success in order to be liked.

This isn’t because you’re doing something stupid and you should know better. This is because feeling like you’re part of a group is a fundamental human need.

You need to feel loved and accepted because you’re a human being. It is a real need.

So please, do not reprimand yourself for being a human.

So what’s the solution? Make sure this need is getting met. 

You make sure you eat multiple times a day and make sure you sleep, because you know these are things you need.

Please respect your need to feel loved and like you belong as a real need that needs to be met in order for you to continue growing and achieving.

Find friends who support what you’re doing. Find people who respect who you are and what’s important to you. Spend time cultivating these relationships.

These are very important. You need them and deserve them because you’re human.

And of course, use EFT on any fears that having certain things or accomplishments could make people dislike you.

So if you notice that you held yourself back to fit in, give yourself a break because all you were doing was looking after yourself by making sure your needs were met. 

You can now just take it as a sign that you're not getting enough feeling of belonging or validation, and then make sure you're getting more of that.

If you're tired, you sleep. If you're hungry, you eat. If you self-sabotage to make sure people like you... You use EFT and spend some more time developing friendships. 

How to Secretly Make the World to do What You Want it to (Part 2)

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Part 2 of 2

So my previous post introduced you to the super-useful emotional guidance scale, and explained why this is a thing you want to bother caring about.

 

 This post will deal entirely with the practical side: how do you actually put this into use? How do you deliberately shift how you feel about things so that you have more energy to do things, get better reactions from other people, and emit the type of energy that lets the things you want show up easily in your life? (I said there’d be woo;) )

 

Strategy 1: Meditate

Meditating once or twice a day will help. Your natural state is to feel good.

So when you meditate and focus on something really simply like your breath, this is time that you’re not fixating on how annoying people at work are. Or berating yourself for not doing something perfectly three days ago, or worrying about being behind on your financial goals.

This lets you drift back towards your default feel-good state, and it will get progressively easier for pleasant events to find their way into your life.

 

Strategy 2: Tap

Okay so I said you wouldn’t have to tap, but it works.

If you focus on an unpleasant feeling or unpleasant thoughts as you tap the EFT points, after enough tapping (sometimes as little as 10-20 minutes) you will have broken up your unpleasant feeling until you’re feeling something between contentment and joy.

Like meditating, tapping is a pretty fail-safe way to feel better. And therefore get into a zone where you have more energy, can be more persuasive with people, and will find the world just cooperates with you more.

 

Strategy 3: Write a thought, then write another that feels better

This is an Abraham-Hicks strategy.

With this one it’s important that you start with a thought that reflects how you actually feel right now. Then choose another thought that feels somewhat true, but feels better. Keep doing this until you basically feel good.

The tricky thing with this strategy is you might want to pick thoughts that sound better, but might not actually feel better.

Pay attention to how the thought feels to you (thoughts that sound negative sometimes feel better than ones that sound positive) and remember that your feelings often don’t make sense.

 

Strategy 4: Willfully feel a feeling that’s a step or two up the scale

With this strategy you need to be honest about how you currently feel, and not be afraid of feeling your feelings. 

So say you’re feeling jealous. Spend a few moments deliberately feeling the feeling of jealousy. Then try to feel anger. Spend a few moments feeling that. Then spend a few moments feeling blame, then disappointment, then frustration, then contentment, then hopefulness, etc.

If this is too abstract, just tap. :) 

This might sound too woo to be true. Don’t take my word for it, just try these out yourself and see what happens.

How to Secretly Make the World Do What You Want it to

Part 1 of 2

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This blog post delves into the world of Practical Woo. Just a little bit.

Don’t worry, this isn’t any kind of witchcraft or voodoo. You don’t have to do anything that looks ridiculous (like EFT, haha) or would make people think you aren’t credible.

And none of this will harm anyone, or I wouldn’t be encouraging it.

This is just a basic lesson in shifting your energy so your life will unfold slightly differently in response.

It’s giving you another tool to make your life better and help your stress vanish.

The first thing you want to know is that your emotions have a sort of order to them. The order looks something like this:

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This extremely handy scale comes to us from the lovely Abraham-Hicks, who wrote genius books like Ask and It Is Given.

Generally, the lower on the scale the emotion is, the worse it feels (and the harder it is for desired things to enter your life when you feel it) and the higher on the scale, the better it feels.

Everyone is unique, and your own emotional scale will look slightly different than this, (for you worry might feel better than doubt) though overall, fairly similar (blame will always feel better than guilt, boredom will always feel better than anger, etc.).

You usually have a feeling you tend to default to. Overall, you will have a couple of feelings you’re most likely to be feeling.

When it comes to different parts of your life (your job, your romantic partner, this relative, that relative, the current government, people who walk too slow, etc.) you have feelings you tend to default to on those specific topics.

Here’s the thing. You can deliberately change how you feel. A little bit at a time.

So if you’re jealous of someone, (way down near the bottom) like a friend who got a promotion and you didn’t get one, and someone says something really annoying like: “Can’t you just be happy for her?” you actually can’t! Not at that moment anyway.

Happiness and jealousy are basically at opposite ends of the scale. It’s too big an emotional jump.

Something that’s a bit more realistic is feeling jealous, then feeling angry that you don’t have the same thing, then doubting you could ever get it, then feeling annoyed you don’t have it, then basically feeling okay about how everything is, then feeling happy for her.

Okay sure, but why do you care about this?

Making small improvements in how you feel about things:

1. Makes you feel better (duh)

2. Leaves you with higher energy levels (so you can get more things done)

3. Makes you more likely to get positive responses from people (so you have stronger personal and professional relationships you can leverage, disputes are more likely to be resolved in your favour, etc.)

4. Has the magical effect of making the things you want more easily show up in your life (this is the woo part)

So if you’re jealous of your newly-promoted friend, you’re energetically in a place where you’re highly unlikely to get promoted, even if you work your ass off and do everything you’re supposed to do and do it all better than everyone else around.

If you have the guts to acknowledge you’re jealous, (that part can be really hard) and feel a little bit better at a time until you get to the point where you’re happy for your friend, you are energetically in a space where a promotion can actually show up in your life. Even if you didn’t work yourself into the ground, and someone else was better at something than you were.

Are you seeing why feeling better can actually be useful?

 

In part 2, I’ll give you four different strategies to actually put this into practice so you can get the world to do what you want.

How to Tap in Public (Without Looking Like a Complete Weirdo)

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So, you know I’m never going to stop telling you tapping’s a good idea that will solve all your problems.

Yes fine, it might not directly solve all of them. But seriously, every time you have a problem, tap, and it will get easier to solve.

Tapping feels awesome to do, and it’s practically fool-proof: if you tap the right points, you will get some kind of beneficial result.

You’re probably a busy person who finds it hard to find time to tap.

For real, a way to solve that problem is setting up some appointments with a practitioner. You’ll honour the appointments and get big results for the time you end up spending.

Yet you probably also have bits of time where you really could squeeze tapping in: when you’re on a train on your way to work, when you’re standing in line for something, as you’re walking down the street or the hall, when you’re in a work meeting that isn’t all that necessary and nothing’s really happening anyway.

But of course you don’t want to tap at these times. Tapping involves repeatedly poking parts of your face as you talk to yourself. You look batshit insane when you tap.

There is a very discreet way to tap, where people probably won’t notice you’re doing it.

There are tapping points on each of your fingers. They’re on the inside bottom corner of each fingernail.

On your left hand they would be where the blue dots are:

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And it would be mirrored on your right hand.

These were in the original tapping “basic recipe” but most people don’t really use them because leaving them out is faster and still effective. (The ring fingernail wasn’t actually in the original basic recipe because that meridian is stimulated when you do the 9 gamut).

So when you tap in public, just use your thumb to tap on that part of each fingernail. Then use your first or middle finger (teehee) to tap that space on your thumb.

Voilá, you’re tapping in public! You’re sorting out emotional snags, helping to improve your energy levels, and still someone to be taken seriously.

There’s a good chance no one’s even noticing you’re doing anything. And if they are, it looks like normal fidgeting: not some weird ridiculous thing a very smart person would do because it’s so freaking effective. ;) 

So use this if you’re outside for a walk, waiting for any reason, talking to someone who’s getting on your nerves, in a movie theatre, or stuck in a meeting that didn’t really need to happen.

Happy Tapping, and have fun stressing less.